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| A friend and I were hanging out and we see two elderly friends. My friend says to me, "Joy that's going to be us in 50 years." I say I sure hope not. The idea of 50 more years here is quite depressing. I want to go home. I can feel what life is suppose to be like and I want it. I want this world to pass, I want to be in the presence of my Lord. I don't want to deal with anymore of the struggles of this life, witness the pains and suffererings, feel the guilt of pass mistakes, so on and so forth. I think it may be because I don't have many of the commitments here that most of my friends have. And I think that is a part of what Paul was saying when he said that it would be best for us to be single and focus on our relationship with Christ. Because when we make ties/commitments to this world it is more difficult to let go of it... though let go of it we all must because this is not our true place. I'm not suicidal or anything. I understand that I am here for a purpose and I will try very hard to fulfill the purpose that God has for me while I am here. But I can't say that I understand the line that is in so many of the contemporary Christian songs that I hear, "Each day here is a gift." Is it? Perhaps in that we have the opportunity now to help bring others to know Christ. For I do believe it is a great gift to know Christ and experience His love. But for those of us that have that gift, that experience God's presence in our prayers, Bible reading, and fellowship... for us I believe that we want more and rightly so because it has been promised to us that we will have more. I once read a book (and still own) titled The Journey of DESIRE, Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of by John Eldredge. If I recall correctly it discusses this subject in great detail. Perhaps I'll go back and re-read it as I ponder this question: Is each day a gift? | | |
| This has been a weekend of revelations.. on both small and large scales. On a small scale I came to a realization of how much I like Ames. I've always felt a need to roam and explore the world to see what is out there. This wkend I saw myself spending the rest of my life here. I went to an indoor farmer's market on main street. The building was so cool. It was a part of an old train station. This building's architecture hit home with me. The archway opens onto a set of old tracks and on either side of the this archway are businesses such as Gumby's. The people inside the farmer's market were so friendly and helpful and I left feeling like I had grown and experienced something worthwhile. There are many adventures that can rock my world right here in Ames.
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I also realized that I don't want children. This has been something that I have been questioning over the last few months and talking about with different people. My plan for the last 10 years of my life had always been to adopt. I wanted to adopt as many children as I could both afford and be allowed to adopt. Adoption is so important because children need homes (good, safe, and nurturing) and I wanted to protect as many as I could. And I did not want babies because everyone wants babies; I wanted to adopt the older children that needed homes. As great and important as I believe this road to be I am convinced that it is not the road for me. It may sound selfish to say that I don't want the stress that comes along with it but if I don't want it then having a child that I don't want would not be good for anyone. Children are a blessing and on the whole it seems to be a wonderful experience to be a mother. But the crying and yelling and not doing what you're told and back-talking and in some cases the child hitting and scratching and biting when they are angry... I can't do it. Sad... but true. Fostering is still a very good possibility.
This sort of leads into my last revelation of the wkend. Relationships are a source of stress that I don't want. I am happy... really happy. And I have serious doubts as to whether there is a relationship out there that could make me happier than I am now, and there is no way I'd trade this life to be in a relationship in which I am less happier than I am now. This is not to say that I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. I have hormones just as much as the next 24 year old. And there is a pang in my heart that I feel when I see scenes in movies such as the look of complete love and devotion that is in the eyes of Margie when she looks at Ray Charles and sings "Night Time is the Right Time". But then I look at the rest of that relationship and there is no way that that is something that I want. There's arguing, hurt, and humiliation just to name of few. I recognize that I've been in a limited amount of relationships (4) and that it is possible that I just have yet to meet the right person. But how likely is it really that I would meet a Christian, lesbian, (who is okay with being both a Christian and lesbian), who doesn't want kids, i'm attracted to, they are attracted to me, won't stress me out, mature, mentally stable, good communicating person. I think single is going to be the road I take. And I'm happy with that.
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| Today was the most exciting day of my life. I woke up at about 9a, reached over and grabbed my book, and read in bed for a couple hours. (I'm reading Stephen King - The Dark Tower series) I got hungry...so I went downstairs and grabbed the bread I baked yesterday, butter, and filled my nalgene with water. I made it back to bed within a few minutes. From bed I began to watch season two of Heroes. Eventually I ate more bread for lunch. Alia called and I went out to her car and grabbed the shampoo I had left at Kim's. Within minutes I was back in bed again, where I finished season two of Heroes. For dinner I ate more bread. It's about 9p...after I finish writing this I plan to pick up my book and read for a few more hours. Then watch some movies...eat some bread...and read til I fall asleep. All from the comfort of my bed. | | |
| This blog is going to be all over the place...just to warn you ;)
I dream about my dad and sister a lot lately. Most recently we're (my sister and I) are in trouble and I'm looking for my dad and I can't find him. But then, very suddenly, he's there. And he's offering everything I want - protection, identity, someone to fight for me. And I'm suddenly hesitant...do I want to accept help, do I really need it? I wake up before I make the decision.
On the other side of the dream...my sister and I are on completely different pages. She's going head first into trouble and doesn't even realize we are in some seriously dangerous territory. Once I find dad, Christy is leaving. I need to make a decision quick before she goes to far and I can't catch up. I can't catch up with her with dad in tow. (She wouldn't want that). But I can't go to her without any help at all because we will get hurt...I'm awake.
I had a revelation this past weekend. I was talking with Abby about my frustrations and dissappointments that come along with the fact that I am still attracted to girls. This weekend I reached a point to where I was just like...it's never going to happen for me is it? I don't get to have that special someone...I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. And then Abby started telling me about the impact that I've had on unsheltering her and helping her get over her homophobia. And I thought back...the changes in Abby are quite miraculous. God did that...and he used me to do it. God used me to do something that's worthwhile. And He does it all the time. I'm not saying that I know God's plan for my life...I leave that up to Him. But if this really is it...I'm going to try to see it as a blessing.
I'm going to stop comparing myself to others. Maybe, compared to those who don't struggle with all this stuff, life seems to suck for me...but that is not an accurate picture. The big picture (and the important one) is that I'm doing my part in bringing God's kingdom here. And I'm going to stop complaining about how much it sucks to get crushes on people...have them like me back...and not being able to do anything about it...and then continue this cycle... It's a small price to pay. These are my trials and tribulations; God didn't say that when we went through them they would be comparable to others'. But He did say that He'd never put more on us than we can bare.
It reminds of something I learned at the Urbana conference all those years ago. A member of my group had spoken with her mentor about her fears of doing mission trips and going to dangerous places. Most of all she was afraid of being raped. And instead of the mentor reassuring her that all these things would not happen...she said, "Is God worth it?" I made the decision when I became a Christian that God's plan would negate any plans that I may have for myself. So I don't get all those things that come along with marriage...God's more than worth it :) It's funny...I complain about how I'm still at the the same place I was when I started praying to God to help me with this. When the reality is...I'm no where near that person anymore. I have grown, God has helped me...just not in the way that I thought He would.
So I have a crush. (I'm not complaining...just noting a fact of my life ;) It's funny...up to this point all of my crushes have been consecutively more and more of what I have been looking for. But now there is one that stands out among the rest. Even though there have been many before them and now a few after them...that person is still the one that I would choose given the chance...even over this new crush. Maybe this is where that saying would normally step in that says that if you let them go and they come back then you know that it is meant to be. Because I wouldn't have known that this person stood out as the best until I let them go and experienced a new crush that was not as strong. Life sure is interesting.
Oh and I got new rats. Willow (who is still too skittish to be held but is totally the cutest and the most loving on the other two), Eor (the fatest and least active but still with very interesting personality traits), and Charlie Brown (my personal favorite, comes over and crawls all over me, very curious and friendly to new people.)Willow tries out everything new within the cage (they're sleeping pad and the wheel), while Charlie Brown is all about checking out what's going on outside of the cage. Eor sticks to his little corner...content. And I'm working at the library. Which is really fun. There is a certain sense of satisfaction that comes with placing books where they belong.
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